Someone should write an “ways to be cool, and not be cool on IM” manual, maybe i will, i’ve already started…

PLEASE:

1. SUB-PROFILES ARE HIGHLY UNNECESSARY. If you really have that much to say go out in the world and actually say it to other people. Friends (not “IM buddies”) are a good thing.

2. if your not going to be home for over 18 hours, DO NOT give us your entire day, minute by minute. No one really cares if you had lunch with billy. just sign off. your not that important. people wont miss you.

3. using the word sex in any part is just plain questionable.

4. do not quote confederate generals. Ever.

5. don’t profess your undying love to your boyfriend/girlfriend in your profile for months at a time. He/she should know. The rest of us, again, don’t really care. And frankly, it makes the rest of us kinda sick. And it might cause a sudden breakup. (get me?)

6. Don’t write old IM conversations UNLESS they are randomly funny or insightful. I want to laugh, not throw up at your attempt to be cool.

7. :):):):):):). See? Isn’t that just annoying? You have one face. Your message should too.

8. do not make every message about how the world hates you (guess what? no one really cares. And besides, who wants to be friends with someone with that kind of perspective.)

9. do not list every organization you are in (with links or associated colors), every party you have planned for the weekend (with times and dates), your middle school history grade, or parents blood type. See number 2 for explanation.

10. “I’m off like a ____” Overplayed. And really not that funny.

11. guys should not use colors. Girls should not use fushia, or anything that really really does not go. Trust me, im a computer dork, I should know.

12. don’t turn on that option that keeps you active at all times. What, you think your hiding from us? That we care that much when your home and when your not? You’re the stalker, not us.

13. Don’t have conversations on IM that your afraid to have in person. I know its easier. I know more comes out. But trust me, I’ve been there, in the end if you can’t say something to someone’s face, you probably shouldn’t say it at all.

14. Don’t IM people and then have nothing to say. Duh. (you’d be surprised how many people actually do that).

15. Don’t pine for people over IM. And don’t try to be discrete about it too. We all know what you’re talking about, and you look like a dork for having to turn to your keyboard to actually say it. Besides, you’ll come across like a psycho-commitment-need-someone-at-all-times type of person. And nobody likes that dude.

16. Don’t mention the devil. Or God.

17. Don’t include “call me if you need me” at the end of your message. If I wanted to call you, I would have in the first place. Not all of us use our computers more that the spoken word. I happen to like the telephone. It gives my eyes a break.

18. Don’t IM people when you know they’re idle because you don’t want to actually talk to them, but feel you need to say something. C’mon people, we’re not in seventh grade anymore.

19. Don’t change your profile daily. We all know how to do it and that it takes a fair amount of effort. Just think how many seconds you waste of every day that you could have spend doing something productive (AWAY from the computer). You know most of what you write in there is just to hear your self talk. Or type…I guess. Next time you want to say something that frequent, get up out of your desk chair, walk to the bathroom, and say it to yourself in the mirror. Trust me, it’ll have the same effect.

20. Don’t IM to communicate with your roommates. C’mon.

21. Don’t put down the names of the people whose house you’re going to, who you’re on the phone with, or who is all going out with you tonight. You obviously don’t care about your privacy, but they might. And (chorus please) the rest of us don’t care.

22. There is a large difference between your “screename” and your actual real name.  If you start refering to your self by your screen name, you she see a psychologist about multiple personality disorders or distorted reality complexes.

23. Don’t put those links in your profile that don’t go anywhere but track who clicked it.   IM isnt a popularity contest people!  No one cares how many friends you have.

24. Nobody cares if your in the shower.

25. Don’t put up messages about how much you’re going to drink tonight, or how much you drank the nite before. The only people that do that are drunk on their third beer.

26. Finally, don’t take thirty minutes to write out a list like this to put off doing homework on a Monday nite. Again, no one probably cares. But it had to be done.